What is Albert Patrick College?
The story of Albert Patrick is most certainly one that belongs in the history books of every eighth grader in this great nation—not because it’s very important but because it perfectly encapsulates the true nature of America. It’s a story of crooked
Basically William Marsh Rice was this rich white guy who amassed a fortune (probably clubbing seals and black people with his famed pimp cane). Towards the end of his life he became so worthless and decrepit that his hooknosed lawyer, Albert Patrick, hatched a pretty awful scheme to make off with Rice’s fortune. The idea was to alter Rice’s will which, at the time, earmarked his entire estate to the creation of a educational institution in Houston, Texas, that would teach young white males to club seals and African Americans. Allegedly Patrick asked Rice’s valet to pull a Sixth Sense and poison Rice slowly and surely. The slowly and surely thing didn’t work out so the valet just sort of chloroformed Rice to death one night. Smooth move.
A trial ensued thanks to that meddling Captain James Baker. Basically, it was a slam-dunk trial against a Jew in early 1900’s New York, dooming Patrick from the start. It was also one of the most publicized trials of the century, up until the OJ Simpson case. Apparently, America loves ethnicities committing atrocities. AP got his parole opportunity several years later, got the charges against him dropped, after which he moved to the inland United States and—I’m not making this shit up—helped to found a church.
Fast forward and
Hey, there's a party at Albert Patrick College. Let's get drunk!