What is Arizona?
1.
Arizona - It's the devil's playground
The devil wanted a place on earth, sort of a summer home, a place to spend his vacation, whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona, a place both wretched and rough, where the climate was to his liking, and the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the lakes in the valley, then burned and scorched it all, He dried up the streams in the canyons, and ordered no rain to fall.
Then over this barren desert, he transplanted shrubs from Hell, the cactus thistle and prickly pear, the climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking, but animal life he had none, so he created crawling creatures, that all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake, with its forked poisonous tongue, taught it to strike and rattle, and how to shallow its young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards, and the ugly old horned toad, he placed spiders of every description, under the rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, hotter and hotter still, until even the cactus wilted, and the old horned toads looked ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom, as any creator would, he chuckled a little, rolled up his sleeves, and admitted it was good.
T'was summer now and Satan, lay by a prickly pear to rest, the sweat rolled off his sweaty brow, so he took off his coat and vest.
"By golly", he finally panted, "I did my job to well, I'm going back to where I came from, Arizona is hotter than hell!"
It doesn't get any better than Arizona :).
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2.
You know you live in Arizona when:
You buy salsa by the gallon.
All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever.
Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name "El" or "Los."
You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
You can say Hohokam(?Hohokam (HO-ho-ko'm) and people don't think you're laughing funny.
You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
You can say 120 degrees without fainting.
Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
You can be in the snow, and then drive for an hour and it will be more than 100 degrees.
Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
The pool can be warmer than you are.
You can make sun tea instantly.
People will drive over 100 miles just to see snow.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
Most people will not drink tap water unless they are under dire conditions.
People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You realize Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro(?Saguaro (suh-WA'R-o)
An arborescent cactus (Carnegiea gigantea)
"Tempe," "Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim," "Cholla," and "Ajo."
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go to the Circle K.
Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and other fools will actually buy them.
Hot-air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
You eat hot chilis to cool your mouth off.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
This place feels like Arizona
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3.
The best state in the country to live in if you want to avoid natural disasters and horrible weather. There are parts of the state where it doesn't go above 100 in the summer and it doesn't go below 20 in the winter. The only bad weather you have to worry about is a bad thunderstorm with strong wind. There are no earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes etc...
California has earthquakes. The midwest has floods and massive tornados. The southeastern states have hurricanes. The midwest, northwest, and northeastern states are below freezing all winter long. Many have summers with 75-90% muggy and oppressive humidity. Arizona has great weather all year round and is not prone to any type of natural disaster.
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4.
Pronunciation:
ˌa-rə-ˈzō-nə
Function:
geographical name
1. A sweltering arena of crank and conservatives; the dehydrated yet unbelievably odorous armpit of the United States.
2. The only state with Cacti. FUCK YES CACTI ARE FUCKING RAD.
1. I don't see how Simon could have NOT hung herself with her own intestines, you know? I mean, she has lived in Arizona her whole life.
2. I went to Arizona to see the majestic saguaro cacti and I got stung by a bark scorpion, resulting in near-fatal circumstances.
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5.
where hopes and dreams go to die.
The people from arizona are just fine. even great. Arizona though, is the hell of anything good in life. Even worse than Philadelphia
Life is good, and will continue to be good, cuase you're not in Arizona anymore!
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6.
Excruciatingly hot in places like Phoenix and Tucson, especially if you are from Flagstaff. Whenever you are in a different region and someone asks where you are from, their automatic response is "wow, it must be hot huh?" Well it's NOT hot if you live in NORTHERN Arizona! We have four seasons and it snows a lot up here! People come up here to SKI. There is a lot more to AZ than people think.
Northern Arizona is beautiful.
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7.
The state you should never move to, unless you go to Sedona or Flagstaff. Most people move to Phoenix, where I live, and most wish they were back home, like I do.
Weather: Can't go outside during summer break, heat exhaustion comes very easily while exercising. The months are nice in the winter, but you never get any actual cold or snow. There are some kick-ass monsoons every once in awhile, though.
Crime: Huge crime problems, especially with auto theft.
Education: We're 49th--or is it 50th now?--in education in the U.S.
Drivers: Drivers here are about 100x worse than California drivers; everyone speeds, runs red lights, and you hear ambulances rushing to accidents at least once a day.
Pollution: With virtually no rain or wind, the air is stale and doesn't move, thus trapping huge amounts of pollution in the Phoenix area.
So, if you're planning on moving here, I invite you; if more people are here, then there'll be less people in the nice places where I want to move back to.
Me: Arizona blows; I want to move back to Oregon.
My friend Sharon: Arizona fucking sucks, I'm going back to Chicago.
My mom: I want to live somewhere that actually has trees.
Everyone I know: I'm getting the hell out of here once I can.
My stepdad: I love it here (he's always been a bit odd).
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