What is Ballooncock?
A crime perpetrated on a man who is sleeping outdoors. First a helium-filled balloon is attached to the man's penis, then the penis is severed at its base. The unfortunate victim awakens shortly afterwards to experience pain, blood-loss, and the heart-breaking sight of his pride-and-joy floating away, never to be seen again.
Lady Astor: "If I were your wife, sir, I would ballooncock you as you slept."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, I wouldn't want to keep it anyway."