What is Chicago Ted?
1.
we were fighting infected all across the square
the scent of their blood was in the air
a witch in the courtyard gave us quite a scare
and things only got worse from there
when a hunter grabbed bill and thrashed him in twain
francis was hung by a smoker as he howled in pain
zoey with her pistol and took careful aim
she fired 2 shots, but it was all in vain
just then, when all hope had been burned and bled
the infected all scream and turned and fled
clothed in a flannel shirt blue black and red
came an angel of Badass, named Chicago Ted
with his twin shotguns a blazing, he slaughtered that horde
till he got bored of that, and switched to his sword
his cap coated in blood, while us he ignored
for the thrill of the hunt was his own reward
now he was no chuck norris, dont get me wrong
but ted could do this crap all day long
the survivors lept up and fought along
but ted would do this work for a song
with corpses piled as high as can be
Ol' ted lit a smoke, and howled with glee
as he used his sword to carve knotches you see
into his belt, a thousand times 53
as a tank round the corner, we filled up with dread
but he just laughed an shook his head
with a powerful holler the wild savior said
"NO ZOMBIE IS SAFE FROM CHICAGO TED!"
'Chicago Ted' makes my manhood feel less manly.
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2.
Legendary one man zombie killing army. Sightings of him are uncommon as his looks can kill. To go 'Chicago Ted' means to become a unstoppable death dealer to the undead.
Some fact have surfaced about Chicago Ted but his real identity remains unknown.
FACTS:
Zombies dont infect Chicago Ted, he infects them. With 'DEAD'.
Chicago Ted never blinks.
Chicago Ted doesnt rescue you from the zombies. You rescue the zombies from Chicago Ted.
The witch takes care not to alert Chicago Ted.
Chicago Ted isn't immune, he's just never been bitten.
The only real safe room, is the room Chicago Ted is in.
There was like one hundred and eleventy zombies running at me and I just went all 'Chicago Ted' and killed them all
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3.
A zombie-slaying legend passed down via graffiti in saferooms during a zombie apocalypse.
No zombie is safe from Chicago Ted.
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4.
Chicago Ted is the greatest man to ever live. Long ago, in the Himalayas, the abominable snow man mated with a dragon. Their offspring then mated with Mount Everest, resulting in quite an odd creature, but oh... was it powerful. This creature then mated with a woman in the year 1970. After three years of pregnancy, the woman gave birth to a boy with a name unpronounceable by the human tongue in Chicago. As soon as it first opened it's eyes, the United States had a stock market crash. (See 1973 Stock Market Crash.) He weighed 28 pounds. It was pure muscle.
When the zombie outbreak occurred, he battled the zombies by hand from Chicago to Pennsylvania, where he ascended a steel mill and created a steel coffin.., for himself. He then buried himself 68 feet underground, while inside the coffin, out of sheer will. He awaits there to this day, for when the dead walk the Earth again, so will Chicago Ted.
"The Witch cries because she knows Chicago Ted is coming."
"I saw Chicago Ted piss out a forest fire, and then kill the survivors... kind of a jerk if you ask... OH SHI--- *bones breaking.*"
"Chicago Ted came into my store, and took everything he wanted. He then murdered my first born son. Later on, it turned out that these exact actions saved the planet. I don't know how, but I trust him."
"Chicago Ted looked exactly like I pictured him, Tall, Dark, Masculine, and Naked. He had a bottle of expensive whiskey in one hand, a cigar in another, and he was having sex with my cousin, while interrogating a suspected terrorist."
"I watched him crawl out of the plane wreckage and he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me out of the wreckage, gave me a bottle of Everclear, and a pipe bomb and said, 'It's every man for himself, kid.' He then shot the bottle, igniting both me and the pipe bomb. I survive today because he says I can."
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