What is Cubs Fan?
1.
Someone to be pitied. A lost soul perpetually waiting for the arrival of a once in a millenium alignment of good management, coaching, and injury/error free players. A person duped by a wonderful ballpark and team owners into accepting consecutive seasons of failure. A drain on Chicagos economy because they waste so much time, energy, and money going to day games.
Boss: Where's Mark?
Bob: He went to the Cubs game last night.
Boss: He's a Cubs Fan? Oh, well I guess I'll be getting nothing out him during baseball season.
Bob: I'm going to a WhiteSox game this weekend.
Boss: That's great. Take Friday off if you want since your ahead on your work anyway.
2.
The worst fans of any sports team in the history of the world. Characterized by the ability to yell, "YAAAAAY, Cubbies!" like a 12 year old girl, and an incessant need to tell other teams' fans that they suck... even as the Cubs lose... again.
It is believed Cubs fans breathe through a particular speech process, which requires them to describe the high prices of concessions at Wrigley Field, thus announcing the great wealth they perceive themselves to possess. Social structure amongst Cubs fans is based upon the number of times an individual can appear on television; researchers believe this explains why Wrigley Field sells out and why Cubs fans always dress like New Jerseyite teenage girls at the mall. Little is known about their reproductive habits, although it is believed to involve large amounts of cheap alcohol and roofies.
There are two main varieties of Cubs fan: male and female.
The male variety is characterized as a "douche" and/or a "brah". Sometimes, he is simply referred to as an "asshole". He is easily spotted by his trucker cap (generally cocked to the side), his styled-to-look-that-way "messy" hair, flip-flops and his multiple shirts (each generally two or three sizes too small). Male Cubs fans may also "pop" their collars and may be found drinking margaritas. In their natural environment, male Cubs fans often sport barbwire tattoos on their arms; in their parlace, this is: "Fucken RAAAAAD, BRAAAH!"
The female variety of Cubs fan is characterized by a skreetchy voice, too much make-up (which will be fixed multiple times during every game, often while the Cubs are at the plate), high heels and mid-game questions such as, "Who are the Cubs playing today?" and "When do the Cubs hit again?"
Due to a fear of food and the fact they are born with a make-up brush in each hand, female Cubs fans are often visually attractive. However, potential suitors are cautioned to listen to her speak and/or count the number of labels she has prominently featured on her body or belongings as these signs often point to "high maintenance" levels far exceeding those of other "high maintenance" females.
Guy 1: "I feel sorry for the Cubs. Not only do these guys have to play for a perennial loser, they have to do it for the worst fans alive!"
Guy 2: "Yeah, Cubs fans are like a cold: they can't kill you, but when they visit they can make you wish you were dead."
See
3.
The most understanding and loyal of the major sports fan considering that there are only three of this group that were alive the last time the Chicago team actually won the World Series in 1908.
The group is a hard core collection of roughians, rogues, and businessmen and women alike; as all people sharing the common bond of character and low expectation.
These fans often extend good sportsmanship given the fact that winning, especially late in the season is unlikely.
Great people to drink beer with.
That girl is hot, and a season-ticket holding cubs fan... I think I'm going to ask her out in October when she has nothing to do.
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4.
The guy that caught the ball costing the cubbies the world series.
