What is Fresno?
1.
Absolutely, the shittiest city, no, town on the face of the entire fucking planet. A waste of air. More fucking idiots and inbred retards per capita than backstage at a Maury Povich "I am 1,000% sure him is the daddy" Special. A complete drain on society and the international hub of derelict underachievers.
However, it is an excellent place to go if you currently hate where you live as you will most assuredly come to appreciate what you had. You could be getting gang raped in the shower of a prison for the mentally ill on a daily basis and one minute in Fresno would make you yearn for soap bar filled sock lashings at the hands of three toothed retards.
The high population of extra chromosomal individuals residing in Fresno may be attributable to the recycling of bloodlines as the only people who enjoy living there and continue to do so are native, as anyone foreign to the area will either extricate or commit suicide. Also, the word foreign is foreign to Fresnans, as they believe it refers to France. Or Mexicans.
The town is also captivated by an unhealthy infatuation with the local Puniversity’s mascot, the Bulldog. Nearly 1 in 2 vehicles on the street sports an FSU sticker or license plate of some kind. A highly bizarre phenomenon as only 1 in 25 of its residents have attained a high school diploma or equivalent. On more than one occasion veterinarians have reported bulldogs with vaginal tearing while obstetricians have reported partial human-canine afterbirths following forced abortions of the residents.
Speaking of abortion, Fresno does not. Instead every fucking car and truck on the road has those little Mormon family stickers, the ones representing each member, spanning the length of the back window. A window sticker medley in
Fresno may go as follows: ‘Ma, Pa, Cletus, Billy, Cleocephus, Ralph, Billie-Jean, Bud, Miller, Jesus, Pa Jr., Bully the Bulldog, Crackers, Biscuit and Mittens.’ Oh, and did I mention that Ma and Pa are in their mid to early 30’s? No. Well they are.
If having to chose between Fresno and 15th century, plague infested Europe I would chose the latter. In fact, I would rather wipe my ass with my bare hand in Africa well I dug for blood diamonds at the hands of ruthless warlords then even read the word Fresno. I would rather stab a knife into my brain through my eye then talk for one minute to one Fresnan. And in all honesty, I would rather be on the top floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001 at 8:46am then have to hear the fucking word Fresno ever again.
I would rather completely submerge my penis and testicles in boiling oil, have AIDs infected needles stabbed into my veins and pull my teeth and fingernails out with pliers then spend one fucking second in the shittiest shit shithole on earth known as Fresno, California.
See
2.
Good: Short drive to many other destinations in the state. Summer weather is hot, but usually not unbearable. Cheaper real estate than elsewhere in California.
Bad: Very bad fog after rain. Winter is miserably cold, despite not being cold enough to snow more than a few flurries every ten years. Rush hour gridlocks on Shaw and Herndon near the freeways and 41 at 180 (though traffic here certainly beats LA's infamous 405). Many rough roads (repairs on 99 are LONG overdue). Not a whole lot to do, either, despite the beautiful new Savemart Center arena.
Ugly: Air pollution. Many parts of the city south of Shaw Avenue are not very pretty (especially downtown, effectively just a government center and expansive homeless refuge).
Fresno's downtown, despite efforts by the City Council, has never fully recovered from the initial growth northward many decades ago.
3.
AKA "Hell on Earth"
AKA "The Little City That Couldn't"
AKA "Tha 'No"
AKA "The Anti-San Jose"
AKA "FresNever"
AKA "The Urban STD"
AKA "Fuckno"
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Large Central California city too cool for its own good---Only California city people from out of state would never attempt to move into.
Population of about 480,000
Uneducated chimps and religious nutcases dominate city politics
Obsession with the Fresno State Bulldogs (a college sports program that wins near nothing and thrives at it)
Bitterly cold winters and regular cases of deadly fog
Methane and various agricultural smells overpowering to the normal human
Hellish summer heat (highs of around 115 in July and August)
Brown people (of all varieties) everywhere
White hicks and dimwits all over the place
Known for its lack of attractions and actual things to do
Central Valley Coyotes football passes for entertainment
Universities thrive on old age commuters
Gangsters on every poorly lit streetcorner waiting to pounce
Pervasive consumer mentality and obsession with spending hard earned money on material objects
Fast food on each of the 2,206 city intersections
Homeowners who do not want you or your family to live next to them-----give 'em a break they're trying to maintain property value!------they live in Fresno, CA however
Person 1: Bro, I could go for Taco Bell, a Quizno sub, McDonalds, and some Cold Stone ice cream right about now.
Person 2: Yeah, too bad we aren't in Fresno.
Person 1: Tell me about it! Then again, I can do without a stabbing.
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4.
Fresno is the 8th largest city in the state of California. Located in the central San Joaquin Valley, close to the geographic center of the state, Fresno's population base is rapidly growing.
Largely based on agriculture type businesses, Fresno is also becoming a popular location for technology based companies, because of it's centralized location.
Fresno is a city located in the state of California, between Sacramento and Bakersfield.
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5.
Not one definition is accurate so far, so as a native, obligated to correct. Fresno's population has increased up to near three quarters million. Known for being extremely agriculture and provides the rest of California with nearly all of its grapes, milk, almonds and many other fruits and vegetables.
Bad things: the weather hits the extremes. summers are very hot, avgs mid to high 90s-and never a surprise if a day hits 110. winters just the opposites, overnight will below freeze yet no snow. several bad foggy days. Most definitely not a place to go to college. Fresno State is the only 4 year university, though a new community college has erupted in the nicer area of Fresno. The air pollution is extremely bad, research has shown children that grow up in Fresno develop their lungs differently than people in other better air quality cities. Being in the middle of the valley there are not many extra curricular activities near the city. Crime is extremely bad however, especially in certain areas. Certain regions of Fresno LEAD the state in homocides, armed robberies, grand theft auto alternatively throughout the years. The gang, the "Bulldogs" which take after the city's college mascot (Fresno State Bulldogs) are extremely dangerous and dominate crips and bloods in the area--many high schools across the city ban wearing solid red or bulldog mascot shirts. Good amount of poverty.
Good things- being in the middle of valley seems bad but also has benefits. Is less than 2 hours drive to the beach, opposite way less than that to the mtns for sierra summit(skiing/snowboarding). and 30 to 90min to bass and hunnington lake a very nice cabin type resort area. Millterton Lake is extremely accessible, less than 20min drive--skiing, wakeboarding, fishing, camping, tubing. Fresno is also the beginning norcal city that starts to have good weed. The more north you go, the better the bud known saying ends in fresno, i now live in socal and cry everytime i smoke(total shwag). Also a great place to grow up and raise a family--real estate is much cheaper in fresno in its expanding domain. High schools are some of the best in the state. Our schools constantly compete in national titles across all sports. Fresno, CA high school teams will be in the top 25 rankings across sports every year. Relatively low cost of living.
Things to know (attractions): The fashion fair mall includes many unique shops and stores as well as all the high class name brand stores as well. River park--an open typed mall area--extremely nice, a very good amount of money put into it. holds a 21 theatre Edwards Regal cinema + a 2 screen 3D cinema and many shops and food options. As well as 2 different water parks. Ex San Francisco 49er Tim McDonald has put much back into his native city including Chuckchansi park, an extremely nice youth league sports park, as well as Worlds Sports Cafe, very popular sports bar/dining. Fresno has produced stars such as himself, Ricky Manning Jr. (NFL cornerback), David Carr (NFL quarterback), Kevin Federline, Jennifer Alcorn (female boxer), many others.
Fresno- FresYes. The NO, nickel nickel nine (559), F-NO
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6.
What is Fresno made of?
1. Religion
2. Carcinogenic Air
3. Debilitating Heat
4. Poverty
5. A Nearly-Dormant Artistic Movement
6. An Assumed Connection between Science and the Devil
7. The Devil
8. Political Futility
9. Impeded Progression
The worst problem... No Curiosity
Herold: How could people believe the world was flat or that the Sun God brought every morning?!
Jeremiah: I don't know, ask Fresno
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7.
The armpit (or toilet) of California. There is nothing )within a 2 hour drive) to do. AT ALL. The people are generaly not attractive, and worse than that, they are snobby! Ugly AND snobby! 99% of thoes who are not snobby are stupid. (.5% of the population are normal people)We have frequent drive-bys and car thefts. We have recently aquired about 5000 -=AzN=- (the dirty ones, (vietnam, laos, phillipians, ect...) not 'white' Asians from Japan or China)refugies and COUNTLESS mexicans. The dirty kind mind you, not the ones that act like human beings. They multiply like rats. Anyway, there is something to be said for our cutural diversity... go to one part of town and you are in vietnam! And only 10 minutes away is little Mexico! (That was heavy scarcasm for thoes of you who dont understand it) The weather is HOT in the summer (100+)and cold in the winter. Not cold enough to snow, (that would be nice) but cold enough to make you miserable. Dark clouds, wind, ect... Miserable. Utterly miserable. It has the worst Air quality in the U.S. (Thank you San Fransisco) Its like we're smoking all the time. Miserable place.
Man 1: Fuck you!
Man 2: Go to Fresno!
Man 1: *runs away crying*
