What is Kabbalah?


An ancient form of publicity invented by Madonna.

"Uh, my record sales have slumped. I need to be enlightened. What? Kabbalah?"


1. A form of Jewish Mysticism, dating back at least to the 12th Century or even earlier. Kabbalists themselves say it dates back to just after Adam was expelled from the garden of Eden. From mediaeval times, the Kabbalah has been "borrowed" by Christian alchemists and ritual magicians.

Note that real magicians do not charge money for spiritual enlightenment.

2. A cult invented in the 1960s by a fake Rabbi called Michael Berg. He basically just read all the books on the subject and created a million-pound enterprise aimed at getting money out of gullible celebrities like Madonna, etc.

1. Isaac Luria (famous mediaeval Kabbalist): The way to enlightenment is to meditate upon the secret teachings which the Lord has hidden within the scriptures.

2. Michael Berg: The way to enlightenment is to pay me $200 for some old tat that was already available free or next to nothing anyway.


it's "holla back" backwards. just say it outloud.

"kabbalah now, ya hurr??"

See melissa


a popular reglion amoung celebrities who feel bad about themselves.

Paris Hilton feels bad about her sex videos, so she began to practice Kabbalah.


A set of beliefs based on mysticism brought to the forefront by a Jewish guy from Brooklyn who charges money for "enlightenment". One minute he's playing stickball with his buddies on Avenue C trying to figure out a good hustle the next minute he's the self-proclaimed Moses of Capitalism. Cha-ching. It's hard to believe that this guy is not a David Koresh-type con man because if he was a tool of the "creator" to spread "enlightenment" why would he charge money for it? I mean the guy sells his own bottled water, kind of like another egotistical jack-ass Donald Trump. I don't believe other prophets profited from their teachings. Furthermore the people who follow this guy could be classified as weak-minded and unstable with plenty of expendable income who need to be told that the are loved such as Madonna and that butter-face Lizzy Grubman.

con man = Michael Berg

stupid people w/ expendable income = sheep (see Madonna)

con man + sheep = Kabbalah

Kabbalah = con man w/ $$$$

con man w/ $$$$ = :) con man


A once secretive, proud tradition that only the wisest Torah scholars could study, and for good reasons. The knowledge and understanding that Kaballah can bring has overwhelmed some the wisest scholars in Jewish history, driving them to the brink of madness. To study Kaballah, a man had to be AT LEAST 40 years old, and has to have grown a beard and raised a family, activities which require nearly infinite patience.

However, thanks to Madonna and other opportunists, Jewish mysticism has been degraded into a new fad that any putz with a red string on his wrist can claim to understand. Anybody who thinks that a red bracelet will make him wise or holy is delusional.

Famous Kabbalah masters have included Rabbi Loew, who constructed a living golem from clay to protect the jewish people, and Rabbi Akiva, who entered the Garden of Eden while still alive, learned its secrets, and lived to tell the tale.


When someone rips you off.

"I just got kabbalahed."

See V.


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