What is Ken Kenneway?
1.
Prologue - Enter The Kenneway
Ken Kenneway (better know by his alias "the party lizard") is a popular party icon from the midwest who made his way to florida in the late 1980s via a simon and garfunkel reunion tour. Sometime during the early 90s Kenneway fell into a brief drug induced coma which resulted in his belief that he was indeed 80's opera rock frontman Meatloaf. It was during this time Kenneway was arrested and charged with possession of bootleg concert footage from the popular alternative rock band INXS. He was later given a restraining order as he followed many of the members to their houses and tried to engage in clumsy awkwardly sexual activity and it is rumored that he is responsible for the untimely death of frontman Michael Hutchence. It is also rumored that during this depressing time Kenneway made it publicly known he was converting to Islam and would be joining Cat Stevens in the middle east.
Chapter 2 - Kenneway's Redemption
After being in exile for over a decade Kenneway made his way to Israel because he was having withdrawals from matzoh and what's more he had become the president of the Matisyahu fan club. During this time he rediscovered Judaism and decided to convert back and vowed to never denounce his name "the party lizard" and vowed to always keep his heart warm with a bottle of manischewitz.
Though Moses accepted Kenneway's apologies and aloud him to once again be apart of the chosen people and the synagogue's monday night bingo, Moses told Kenneway because of his betrayal he would be cursed with clumsiness and over snugglilness when intoxicated for his remaining days. Moses also told Kenneway that he must move to South Florida and become a bass playing aficionado, he accepted.
Chapter 3 - The Challenge
Now in South Florida he needed a job to make ends meet, as he hadn't fully perfected the art of slap bass yet, though the hour was approaching. It was during this time Kenneway took up selling grass to the local negro community and developed street smarts, underworld connections and the bad habit of using the "N" word in public. He was doing well until a picture of Kenneway holding hands with Mel Gibson at a holocaust museum laughing insideously surfaced and the tabloids spun out of control. To this day no one is for certain about the event or how it took place but it is widely theorized Kenneway was producing music for the sequel to Passion of the Christ: Judgement day which was thought to be coming out within the next five years. When we met up with Jesus earlier this week he had no comment. It was at this time Kenneways faith was being challenged, not to mention the economy, as well as the crops were dry. Meaning: Kenneway was out of work once more. No one had heard from Kenneway for two years until he was arrested for exposing himself at a Fine Young Cannibals reunion show. He was later quoted in rolling stone magazine about it and he laughed it off saying "hahaha i'm drunk as fuck, niggaaaa!" He then preceded to throw his beer at a female in the audience. He then hinted that it would be very possible to see him on the cover of playgirl magazine in the next upcoming months, when we contacted playgirl they responded saying "Who, the fuck is Kenneway?" Kenneway sent back a viscous response when he sat down with Barbara Walters an announced to the world he was coming out with his own nude magazine for women titled "Brissful Boys" and that he was engaged to a local call girl who asked that her identity be kept a secret. Indeed Kenneway had suffered some hard times, but the test of his faith was only going to become more turbulent in the days to come. Two months later his magazine flopped, his engagement was canceled due to his fiances being deported back to the Amazon jungle for procreation purposes. In a later interview she revealed she was actually a urinating orangoutang from the metro park zoo in miami and Kenneway sprung her from he cage promising a life of glory glamour and glitz. She also revealed Kenneway would make her participate in"unusual activities" and when they made love he would pretend she was Colonel Sanders and asked frequently for more chicken to be placed in his bucket. Either way something had to give for our pal Kenneway.
Chapter 4 - A Walking Calamity
Times were tough, but so was Kenneway. He felt he could justify his past actions and gain redemption by changing his middle name from "Cooper" to "Kooper". What happened next was an uproar in the Black community and an upheaval in white supremesist groups throughout the southern most part of the United States. Ken was single handedly credited with the increase in White Movement groups and the tripling of their members, an act that had not been seen until before the American Civil War. It was at this time that he stooped into a severe depression and began spending more time with Lakeworth Florida's most celebrated Monster, Michael Genna. What ensued next was a debaucheristic life that would have made Keith Richard's appear as innocent as a aerosol can huffing school boy. Sleepless nights and reruns of hit sitcom "Scrubs" in Mike Genna's apartment, wild and crazy escapades to 24 hour Wal-Mart's, Vomiting all over the sidewalk of Sonic's Drive Up Restaurant on their grand opening, and tossing empty beer cans through drive through burger joints. The friendship was doomed from the very beginning. At a later date, widely known local crime scene investigator Michael Genna left on a business trip leaving his beloved apartment and all worldly possessions in the hands of his new comrade and alleged secret lover Ken Kooper Kenneway. What was to come next would surely be the end of the two young lovers and forever seal a hated bond between them. After much consumption of all things kosher, kenneway wished to win the heart of a fair maiden and make her moist. He believed he could achieve this my flicking crackers under Mike's laboratory door, which resulted in disaster. His plan had backfired and the fair maiden denied entry and instead she soaked herself in gasoline and lit a match, immolating herself. Despite his best efforts, Kenneway tripped and with his raging erection stabbed her in the cerebrum killing her instantly. A week later beloved whale Mike Genna returned from his exhausting and painstaking trip (from the bahamas) to find a shell of a man hidden in the darkness feeding off the remains of a what appeared to be a small fragile little girl (no older than seven....or twelve....well she definitely wasn't legal). What ensued next was a battle that called upon every demon from Satan's most evil layer of hell. Kenneway called upon Barbara Streisand to defend his honor and name. The battle raged for days, the earth opened and fire spat out from every crack, mountains grew from the depths of the ocean and the sky turned to black. Millions died during this epic battle and in the end Kenneway used his jew powers to send the beast known as Genna back into the apartment, placing him under a spell not allowing him to leave until he dropped at least 300 lbs.
To be continued...
Person 1: Ken Kenneway tell the kids why you shouldn't drink
Kenneway: Cause it fucks you up!? (Barf)
Kenneway: Round two baby!!!! Who's going to drive me back from Boca???
Kenneway: (to intoxicated underaged person of the opposite sex) drink this pleaseeeee!!!!!
Person 1: Kenneway don't drive up to my house doing that tokyo drift shit at 3 in the morning! Its a fucking tuesday!!
Person 2 : Wake the fuck up you drunk fuck!!!
See
