What is Newspaper?
1.
A homeless person's blanket.
Tyrone prefers the LA Times newspaper to the Daily News newspaper to keep himself warm at night.
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2.
An instrument aiding the execution of the common house fly.
damnit its another fucking fly ruining my general eating experience, here pass me that newspaper...*big chase ensues* WHAP... damn straight its dead.*picks smeared remains up off cupboard door*
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3.
1. A pastime for people while taking a shit.
2. To read the newspaper is a euphemism for taking a shit.
Oh crap...hold on, guys, I gotta go read the newspaper.
*toilet water splashes*
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4.
A publication that an attractive woman under the age of 40 does not read.
Hot chicks don't read the newspaper; unless they're looking at the Macy's ad.