What is Skunkbear?
1.
A nasty and wholly unattractive member of the land weasel family (Mustelidae), sp. Gulo Gulo (Latin: "Glutton"), called by its common name the wolverine. It is also known colloqiually as "those assholes who think they go to an ivy-league school in the midwest." To skunkbear is known to reside inside coffee shops, trying desperately to look pretentious and educated, ensuring that other mammals in the vicinity see them doing coursework openly on a wireless laptop. Sometimes, solely for effect, the skunkbear will also carry a copy of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged"; this is to expand on the skinkbear's facade of academic elitism and snobbery, but with no actual equity behind it. The skunkbear's coat is usually dull, and poorly screenprinted with mock-retro logos or pseudo-political trappings. On occasion, however, the skunkbear will molt and reveal a second coat of maize and blue hue; this occurs twice per year, typically when the skunkbear encounters either Spartan warriors or a Buckeye. This change in the skunkbear's coat is a reaction to the threat of not being an attractive mate to species other than its own (in which the skunkbear, or anyone else, has no real sexual interest). If one encounters a skunkbear, one should not discuss the following topics under any circumstances:
intercollegiate athletics
domestic and/or foreign political policy
the U.S. constitution
multiculturalism/racial sensitivity
alma maters
the skunkbear's desperation to leave the state
Failure to heed this warning will lead to an excruciatingly long diatribe, in which one will not be able to slip in a word edgewise. It is also advisable not to engage the skunkbear in any discussion of music, lest one wants to hear a 45-minute set review and critque of some shitty, local Gogol Bordello-esque gypsy-punk-indie-ska band that the skunkbear saw recently for $5 and the Blind Pig. The best way to handle a skunkbear is to let a Spartan stomp it into weasel custard.
"See that guy in the University of Michigan hoodie? He's another skunkbear who only wears that shirt during rivalry week."
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