What is Soccer Moms?
1.
1) An undervalued being, typically possessing low to no self-esteem, whom attempts to validate her existence by subjecting her spawn to meaningless activities and structure, often vandalizing her own vehicle, home and/or office space with memorabilia in an attempt to show others that she has not yet died.
2) A time bomb waiting to detonate in a therapist's office or a grocery check-out line after finding her double off coupon is no longer valid.
"But Mom, I just want to slash my wrists and listen to 311--"
"Mini-Van, ball, now!"
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2.
They name their children Madison, Britney, Caitlyn, Tanner, Bryce, Trevor... they drive an SUV or minivan embossed with soccer ball decals and honor student bumper stickers... their two most prized possessions: their cell phone and their sport water bottle... their husbands are never around, either at work or playing golf... they live in a constant state of suspicion of anyone "different" or not from their neighborhood (which usually is gated to keep those other people out).
They and they alone have made the lamentable Kidz Bop series a huge success and consequently are raising social retards who when they finally are "free" and off to college, will become drunken frat boys and/or slutty sorority girls.
The soccer moms of River Place subdivision gathered at Starbucks to discuss the growing problem of suspicious-looking Hispanic lawn crews prowling up and down their streets. Molly suggested that they discuss the issue with the HOA, to which Cindy said, "Good idea! Maybe we can make a rule requiring all Hispanics who come to our neighborhood be required to pass a background check."
They all loved this idea and toasted Cindy with their frozen lattes.
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3.
female mothers, sometimes single, that haul their little tykes around to soccer practice or games; vehicles they drive range from big ass gas hogging SUV's to mini vans with a soccer sticker placed near the back window; usually upper middle class cake eating assholes
The soccer mom gave me the "evil eye" after I clearly stated loudly, soccer should have stayed in Europe.
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4.
The stupid ass moms in america who preach about global warming because of huge vehicles being driven then they leave in their H2 Hummer to go get their spoiled bratty ass 'angels' from school to bring them to their after school shit and get groceries then go to their PTA meetings to chat about how they can 'make the world safer' for their overprotected children. They are obsessed with safety, censorship, and their children will never be able to survive in the real world alone because they won't know what to expect in life. These moms love to make other people miserable by telling them what to do when children are present and they act like children will forever be children and never become adults. They parent so that their kids will grow up to be christian 40 year old virgins listening to Bach and Kidz Bop and watching Barney and Telletubbies. They are the reason everything has censorship, saftey things that can't be turned off because a child MIGHT JUST MIGHT sit in the back of my screaming metal deathtrap.
Everything rated pg-13 and over, cars with t-tops, convertibles, loud engines, go fast are sinful. Music not sung by children or is not about fairy tales is the Devil. They made the government change the law so that kids have to sit in a car seat strapped down like they are in a roller coaster until they are so tall when when i was little, we could stand up in the front seat. Fucking Soccer moms took the fun, risks, and thrills out of childhood and they made our children into pussy wimps.
I drive a red rice-burning t-top firebird, listen to heavy metal, am learning German, drive fast and good, hate fast food, watch porn and violent movies, do not shelter children, and i am street smart: I am the definition of a soccer moms nightmarish encounter.
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5.
a parking lot hazzard
"soccer moms.....oooooright!" --quagmyer
6.
Moms who love their kids and don't mind taking them places... especially to soccer practice. You gotta love 'em... especially those who coach soccer! Lot's of people tease them for driving big SUV's but that's because they are generous enough that they always end up driving tons of kids everywhere! They are hardworking and love their kids and soccer. It's a hard job so don't tease them... could you make dinner, lunches, breakfast, clean, drive kids everywhere,shop for an entire family,and still manage to be cheerful all at the same time?! (I'm not a soccer mom but it's annoying when people trash talk them... I am a soccer OBSESSIVE however)
I don't have an example! but I need to put something here!
7.
Moms who love their kids and don't mind taking them places... especially to soccer practice. You gotta love 'em... especially those who coach soccer! Lot's of people tease them for driving big SUV's but that's because they are generous enough that they always end up driving tons of kids everywhere! They are hardworking and love their kids and soccer. It's a hard job so don't tease them... could you make dinner, lunches, breakfast, clean, drive kids everywhere,shop for an entire family,and still manage to be cheerful all at the same time?! (I'm not a soccer mom but it's annoying when people trash talk them... I am a soccer OBSESSIVE however)
I don't have an example! but I need to put something here!
