What is Steven Seagal?
1.
One of the most powerful forces in the universe, almost as powerful as Mike Anderson. Capable of using
Carl: I am going to beat your ass!
Phil: Don't make me pull a Steven Seagal on you!
Carl: Oh yeah, well I'll just....uurrghh!!!!
Phil: That's what I thought. Hi-yah!
See
2.
A very powerful man, one so powerful he beats his three wives for fun. Has hair the likes one has never seen; it resembles matted down beaver hair that never moves, even when fighting on top of a train or running around in the Alaskan wilderness. Currently weighing in at a cool 400 pounds, he doesn't have to actually fight anymore, just wave his hands and all have broken necks or arms. He dresses to kill in all black, which does not hide his bulky ass. No acting skills are required; all that is needed is to have a dick in your throat and be able to mumble "Mission Accomplished". In order to kill like Seagal, you must be able to slide for 20 minutes without a running start and shoot your enemies at the same time, even on the flatest of surfaces. (No reloading is required, your ammo is endless).
Every movie is made with his character having the name "John", "Jack", or "Casey". In order to write a plot for a Seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman. Then Seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above. He must do battle with Columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers. Then Seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner. While the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.
I totally Steven Seagalled that guy; Mission Accomplished.
I am Steven Seagal...someone has to take out the garbage.
I tried it with my girlfriend, she said "mission accomplished, all the way in".
See
3.
One of the coolest actors ever. A ninja and not afraid to show it.
Me> damn, steven seagal is the fucking man
Retard> that guy is a shitty actor and his movies su-
Steven Seagal> -appears out of nowhere and swiftfully executes a flawless move, paralyzing the un-wise one from the back down-
Me> thanks, steven
Steven Seagal> no problemo -dissapears-
See
4.
A professional 80's pornstar who moved on to acting in the 90's. As soon as the 80's were over, he stopped making pornos just like THAT. Before his porno career he was a professional gay bodybuilder who occasionally dabbled in strongman competitions. He dominated that one where he lifts the boulder all over the place. While he was doing this, he often squinted and looked constipated, but doody would eventually drop out of his ass as he victoriously finished.
In his pornos he was most notoriously known for ponytail penetration. That is, he stuck his ponytail in some poontang. He inspired 2girls1cup with his 80's feature 2girls1ponytail. Many of his other scenes show him in the background beating off to 3 orgies: girl/girl, guy/girl, guy/guy. His most famous pornos are "Aikido in a Speedo" and "Out for an Orgy". In the former he is seen dancing around with pigtails wearing a pink speedo in front of many Japanese girls. He got banned from the porno industry for snapping the necks of too many co-stars. Seagal also forgets to wipe after he takes a dump. He just uses the residue as a quick source of hair gel. His action movie career was most impressive. He does an excellent job as the antagonist in Kindergarten Cop and he also plays as that one convict in ConAir. He's the convict with the ponytail who is burned by Cyrus The Virus for stealing his plane. It's false to say he is fat because he was absolutely RIPPED in out for a kill.
Why is the sky blue?
Because
Steven Seagal did porn in the 80's...
See
5.
The living God of No Selling, Steven Seagal has never been injured in any movie he has starred in. If you were to use it as an adjective, it would describe a situation were you were expected to get hurt, but came out without a scratch.
Person 1: "Whoa, you just Steven Seagalled that Car Wreck. It looks like everyone else involved is dead."
Person 2: "That's because I am Steven Seagal." (Breaks Person 1's Neck)
See
6.
An actor who plays in the same movie over and over again but with slightly tweaked plots. His trademark: snapping the necks of wrong-doers.
Most of his movies include the following:
-the token black guy
-the token hispanic
-the token hot girl
-copious amounts of foreshadowing
-neck-snapping action
<fan#1>: Hey, did you hear about Steven Seagal's new movie, "Under Seige?"
<fan#2>: Was that the one where the Arabs hijack the plane?
<fan#1>: No, that was "Executive Decision." In "Under Seige," a battle-ship is hijacked by homicidal Hippies.
<fan#2>: Why do we like Steven Seagal again?
7.
An actor who is funnier to use in "Chuck Norris jokes" instead of
He is good friends with Jackie Chan.
He speaks fluent japanese
He is an Aikido master of 7th dan.
He owns a dojo in japan.
He is almost always seen in a ponytail.
He is the greatest man alive.
Besides making badass action movies, Steven Seagal also plays the guitar and sings. And of course he's in a band.
Steven Seagal doesn't care what time it is, he decides what time it is.
Everytime boogieman goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris, however every time Chuck Norris goes to bed he checks his under his bed, inside his closet, outside his window, in the living room, kitchen and in his garage for Steven Seagall.
Steven Seagal: The secret is not to act, but to be.
See
