What is Telemarketer?
1.
A heartless cretin making minimum wage whose job involves calling prospective clients to sell them goods or services they don't want, can't afford and have no use for. They tend to target the elderly and the very young, as these two are the most vulnerable to their bullshit sales pitches, and usually call to annoy you around dinner time as that is when you are most likely to be around. These miserable parasites are as moral as an Islamic terrorist on PCP and are the social equivalent of a tiny insect feasting on the sweaty brown residue between the anus and testicles.
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hello, is this Mr. (my name)?
ME: Yes, how can I help you?
TELEMARKETER: Hi! I represent the Federal Guarantee Life Insurance Company, and I'd like to talk to you about--
ME: Excuse me...there's someone at my door. Could you hold on for a moment?
TELEMARKETER: Sure!
(I go off to watch TV and return five minutes later)
ME: You still there?
TELEMARKETER: Yes.
ME: Fuck you, dickwad. --click--
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2.
The telephone equivalent of
The worst kind of
Traits: Officious, sometimes bullshittingly "polite" pricks who will recall your number over and over when they aren't scamming other random phone numbers.
How to deal with them: Shoot em up! ...er, i meant
How to really deal with them: Whenever one of these calls you, immediately i.d. which category it falls into:
Survey
Unwanted service
Donation scam
Subcription for 40 months of shitty magazines you dont need
Now the fun part. Keep acting like youre interested in whatever theyre offering. Thank them for every last excruciating detail they throw at you at hyper-machine gun speed so they have trouble concentrating trying to sucker you into their shit. Prolong everything. Ask questions about everything they say (be sure to sound as happy as can be, and as interested as a masochist in hell). Then, when the inevitable closing deal part of the conversation comes, your choices are:
Hang-up
"Fuck youz" + Hang-up
"Go fuck yourself"
"Get a real job"
"U r SuxOr"
"-random soundeffect-"
"i did your mom"
Be creative. Let your imagination take over in getting back at these asses. Peace`=)
Notorious telemarketers = Orange County Register, Phone survey groups, Magazine subscribers
All mentioned above, kiss my ass
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3.
A person who sits on the phones and badgers the hell out of people to either donate to the police or sign up for a credit card. Yet, the telemarketer gets a huge kick out of people who cuss and scream at them and ask to be taken off the list.
Anybody who works for Millenium Teleservices/CDG Management, LLC RULE!
4.
Those fuckers who call you asking you to buy shit. They constantly call you telling you things like "please don't hang up the phone", "I'm calling you up on an item we sent you in the mail", "Hey would you like a subscription to <insert newspaper/magazine>".
These lovely individuals. are usually payed high, but work on commission, so they have to be good at what they do.
Telemarketers need to find better jobs and leave us the fuck alone.
5.
1. A person or robot you receive in a commercial call.
2. One of those times its O.K. to feel like you wanna kill someone.
3. Makes you wish you had Caller ID or even a Telezapper.
"You've got four seconds to hang up this phone, you halfwit telemarketer, and never call this number again."
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6.
PURE HELL SENT BY THE SPAWN OF SATAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD THROUGH TELEPHONES AND PORN. DON'T TRUST EITHER... more than 10 minutes at a time.
OMFG TEH GODDAMN TELEMARKETER!1!1one
7.
A person with the shittiest job on the planet. Some make decent money, some make nothing, all are annoying as hell. Buy stuff from them so they can afford a happy meal.
I can't make commission because no one likes telemarketers. So quit being a jerk and buy whatever it is I'm selling, then cancel after we hang up.
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