What is Textual Assistance?
1.
a classier term used by the upper class to refer to "sexting" the act of erotically stimulating another person from a distance via text. text can be in the form of instant messaging, text messaging, passing notes, morse code and even smoke signals. textual assistance is usually used while in a long distance relationship to keep up the guise of a "real" sex life you can discuss with your socialite friends, but also includes leaving sensual messages on your fiancé's corporate satellite phone or dirty post-its slipped to the twenty something secretary of yours you poke while your wife is at charity galas. while textual assistance can be used both to signal a booty call or nudge both parties in the direction of an orgasm...it is an essential part of the elite life.
(On a private ship at sea)
Butler : Sir, your mobile just vibrated. It appears to be a text message.
*Young heir to Fuzzy Dice empire takes one hand off the wheel of his yacht and picks up the ruby encrusted phone*
Maxwell Lucas Hetherington III : Not a text message Boothby, you silly old chap! This is textual assistance from the Princess of Luxembourg! As you can tell by the swelling in my Ferragamo's she's quite the dirty bird that one! Better swing round the cape and take a gander at that crown jewel before the cricket match!"
Editor's Note: Scriptwriters for CW's Gossip Girl recently asked for this to be used on their show to expose overweight, multi-ethnic and working class America to the wonders of "textual assistance". Angry gold leafed scrolls flooded in from all over the world to CW headquarters accusing the show of being too "tawdry" and having a multi-racial cast. For fear of losing ad revenues, it was pulled from the script.
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