What is The Woodlands?
1.
HAHA..
You know you live in the woodlands when....
- you can valet park at the mall
- your dad makes more money in one week than your government teacher does in an entire year
- it isnt exciting anymore to pass a lamborghini, ferrari, or bentley on the road any given day
- at school you park between an h2 and an escalade
- you see about 500 bmws a day
- every girl, starting at the age of 12, has a coach purse
- your best friend's pregnant
- you've never shared a bathroom in your life
- the Texan cheerleaders perform at your high school pep rally
- you can talk to someone in Illinois and they assume that you must be rich
- nick lachey sings at your prom
- you have to ask permission to paint your house
- your high school is rated the snobbiest in America according to David Letterman
- if you have nothing to do you buy some beer and drive around
- one haircut can change your reputation
- myspace takes the place of homework
- lunch tables are individual and round
- you pay someone to hang your christmas lights and mow your lawn
- the maids come every other wednesday
- your parents own multiple houses
- you go to jamaica, thailand, spain, belize, or the bahamas on a regular basis
- you suck if you dont get a beach house for prom
- you go skiing every year
- your school field trips include New York and Europe
- deaths and car accidents are usual
- your school has more people in it than some colleges
- you have to schedule an updo appt 6 months in advance if you want someone decent
- the sports teams travel in charter buses
- parties have top shelf liquor
- you go to a theme party every weekend
- they build your own skating rink in the winter
- there are only 3 cheap stores in the whole mall (and that's for the people who come to The Woodlands to shop but aren't actually from The Woodlands)
- when you need a plain white tank top and go to Bebe first
- you spend $95 on a christmas gift for your friend
- girls have 2 boyfriends
- nothing stays a secret
- about half the kids go to church, and out of that half only 10% actually follow religion faithfully
- your jeans cost the same price as ur video ipod
- mums cost $200
- if you dont have confidence or money, you are nothing
- you take your car to Aqua every week and just let someone else clean it
- there's a starbucks on every corner
- they put a tommy bahama's in..since those are mostly at vacation destinations (look it up)
- Fleming's is the new TGI Fridays
- you drop a quarter and just leave it cuz you dont feel like bending over for it
- you cant find your bmw at the mall, because there are 55 others just like it
- you see at least one new person in school every day
- you have a personal trainer
- you have the vbest new cell phone before it even comes out
- they serve Chic-Fil-A, Pizza Hut, Quiznos, and Smoothie King in ur school cafeteria
- you go buy Chanel glasses for yourself as a pity gift because you're having a bad day
- your dog is treated better than your sister
- you have a fridge in your room so that you dont have to go alllllll the way downstairs when you want a cold bottle of water
- you have more than one closet
- you're 17 and have a plastic surgeon
- a cheap mall trip only costs $500
- your driveway is gated
- you get fined if your fence isn't the right color or height
- just about every decent concert tour comes to the pavilion
- a decent date consists of dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and a walk through Market Street
- you hear parents talk about what a great "family community" this place is, and you hear your 13 year old sister talking about how wasted she and her friends got the night before.
- your orthodontist drives a porsche, at least when he isn't driver his other cars
- your friends are all gorgeous
- your diamonds are real
- you hook up with someone and by second period the next day, the whole school knows
- you get judged right away when people know where you are from
- you live on a Jack Nicklaus golf course
- your parents buy you multiple cars before you buy your own
- you can screw off in high school and college and still get a badass job cause your dad is a corporate executive with connections
- your football team could kick many colleges' football teams
- there are kids at your high school who can score perfectly on the ACT and SAT
- making millions of dollars from hard work and/or connections isn't even that attractive, it's the power that motivates
i admit its true.. i'd know, i'm from the woodlands
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2.
^^I don't know what they're talking about, but The Woodlands is anything but ghetto. Everyone here is a white Abercrombie & Fitch/Hollister clone who drives a BMW and carries a Dooney & Bourke bag. The girls all look the exact same. There is no origionality, individuality, or culture here at all. Get me out now.
Theres nothing to do in the Woodlands, so lets go roll in Oak Ridge.
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3.
The least ghetto town in the world, The Woodlands is home to the #1 snobbiest high school in the United States, as named by Larry King himself. Despised throughout Texas for our superiority in everything except academics because the student population is mostly stoned off of their ass (all the time).
You know you live in the Woodlands when you:
Don't care about seeing Porche's anymore
Drop a quarter and don't bother picking it up
Complain about getting an '04 BMW instead of the '05 Benz that you wanted.
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4.
The Woodlands is a cookie cutter town straight out of a suburbia catalogue. Unfortunately, there is no idividuality in the two high schools. Its pretty much a party hard or die a horrible bloody social death type of town, with absolutely nothing to do. Most people think this is the ideal place to raise their kids, but I dont find it cute to see my six year old brother come home from school singing about apple bottom jeans and dropping the f-bomb.
The Woodlands senior slogan: get me outta here. NOW.
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5.
FUCK THIS TOWN
John: Hey honey, do you wanna move to The Woodlands?
Sally: Hey fuckface, do you want our daughter to be a blonde clone of every fucking person in The Woodlands? Do you want our son to be a pothead/alcoholic? Do you wanna get a divorce?
John: Good point, maybe we shouldn't
Sally: No shit
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6.
Planned community north of Houston with strict homeowner guidelines assuring your neighbor won't paint their home purple, or pink, or some other whacko color. The residents pay LOTS of taxes to ensure it stays nice... with trees. Houston is one of the ugliest cities in America. The Woodlands is where those who care ... and can... escape from Houston. Lots of money but lots of driven people who work hard to earn their lifestyles. Ghetto? Not even close. Kids everywhere, upscale retail, fine dining, excellent public school system and a great selection of private schools from which to choose. What's not to like?
The Woodlands - Planned community north of Houston with strict homeowner guidelines.
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7.
aka: the hoodlands
aka: the weedlands
there are 3 types of people here in the woodlands.
1. the Preps/Gangsters- both wear hollister and abercombie. we are very pretty and rich and boys love girls. girls love girls and girls love boys. nothing uber spectacular happens because no one knows of anything better to do than cheer or get wasted. if you have sex on a tuesday everyone knows on wednesday.
2.the Skaters/ Scene kids- if your not a nerd/freak and your not preppy or gangster you are automatically placed in the scene/ skater category. i you ever wear black skinny jeans or put your bangs over your eyes then you are scene here. myspace is god and god is satan. bongs and pipes are a common household item and when raves go down its actually a rave not just beer and a strob light.
3. nerds- they will grow up and make money like no other. but there boss will be daddys big boy the jock. no doubt about it nerds are doomed.
the schools around here mostly work to these statistics
40% preps
50% skaters
10% freaks
the preppy ppl do not liked to be called preppy because its not good enough. they claim to be so down to earth when really we have never even seen what earth looks like.
if you dont smoke weed youve already moved on to bigger badder things.
no one respects anyone else and
when ppl say things like
"zomgz tdwp is hxc it pwns bmth"
and hear
"poser bmth is fbamf so stfu"
then you know youve entered the weedlands
in conclusion: if you are poor, clean, and wanting to excell in life, go back to whereever you came from.
Sally: Oh, John, I am hoping to have a swell time here in this town called The Woodlands.
John: suck it, go back to utah betsy. but let me fck you first.
Sally: (after living here for 3 days) i wont let you fck me until you hand over the weed john!
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