What is Touchin' Cotton?
1.
A phrase used to describe that awkward moment when you have to dump so bad that the poop has actually exited your anus and is toucing your tighty whitey Hanes cotton underwear.
Andy: Hey Floyd, you gotta pull over. I have to take a dump.
Floyd: Can't you wait 10 more minutes!! We're almost there.
Andy: No Floyd, I can't wait!! I'm touchin' cotton!!!
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2.
Touchin' Cotton is when one is using every muscle in their buttocks to hold in their poop--yet no matter how hard they try it keeps poking out of their butthole making contact with their boxers/white tighties/thong/granny panties etc. Touchin' Cotton is one of the causes of
It's a highly uncomfortable feeling, which in turn causes abnormal behavior. When Touchin' Cotton people tend to speak faster in conversations, exceed speed limits by 15-30 MPH, sweat uncontrollably and fidget in their seats as a result of the forced tightening of their anus.
Nearly 100% of U.S. Americans will find themselves Touchin' Cotton during the course of their lives.
Touchin' Cotton usually occurs:
1) Around 1-3 hours after waking up
2) Before a stressful event
3) Right after a Mexican dinner
4) Right before bedtime
Generally, when one is TCin' it, they can make it to a restroom before disaster strikes. The excrement is painful, but not explosive. A Touchin Cotton poop is generally long, cylinder in shape, and brown. It takes an average number of wipes to clean up. Unlike
"Hey dad, can you pull over at the next McDonalds, I've been Touchin' Cotton for the past 30 minutes."
"OMG Bekah, I need to leave class. I'm totally TCin' right now."
POLICE OFFICE: Sir, can you tell me why you were going 45 MPH in a 25 MPH residential neighborhood?
DRIVER: Sweating, Frantic Officer, I've been in traffic for the past 2 hours and I HAVE to get home and use the restroom. For God sakes, I've been Touchin' Cotton for the past hour.
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