What is Twitard Hunter?
1.
One who hunts, kills and/or destroys a Twitard.
Now I'm sure most of you know what a Twitard is. But I'll refresh that mind of yours.
A Twitard is one who falls victim to being an obsessed fan of Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer. They tend to obsess over and/or take it beyond obsession when it comes to this sour, pathetic, shitty excuse for a novel(s). Their obsession is so intense, so captivating and suffocating, that their brain cells and mental capacities are equal to that of a squash. They will defend the book, even if it was getting negatively critiqued or not, abuse the luxury of caps lock, terrible spelling and grammar that will be highly similar with that of a three-year-olds', they are quicker to jump to conclusions than a spider is to their fleeing prey, fall helplessly in love with The Caveman(Edward), much like Bella did and even will pretend to live the life of the story, right down to forcing some poor lad to be their Edward. And, finally, say the tiniest bit of an insult about Twilight, they will go crazy, start foaming at the mouth, hit you with Twilight itself, scratch your eyes out, shout that you are evil just because you have insulted Twilight and throw holy water at you as if Twilight is the Bible. A Twitard may even jump on you, pin you down and, while sitting on top of your frantically struggling-to-get-free body, read Twilight. All. Four. Books.
They will try to cut you with their Twilight bookmark and possibly an apple, if one is nearby. Careful, some stay far away but they will repeatedly pelt you with apples and try to run you down in a Silver Volvo.
Or, and this seems to be quite common, they will freeze up, looking scared shitless and scream their head off for Edward Cullen to come save them. This will most likely end up with you picking up a brick and hitting them dead on in their forehead. You may have to play Kitchen and scramble their brains like eggs so if you have a queasy stomach, use one of these other techniques:
(1) When approaching a Twitard, do not move silent and graceful for they will assume you are a vampire, squeel with joy while they wait for you to sparkle and possibly pounce on you with zillions of pointless questions that God doesn't even know the answer to. So move loudly, very obnoxious and this will make them walk away quickly. They rather much prefer those who are silent and mysterious, much like Eddiekins.
(2) One of their attacks is to turn you into a Twitard. When this is about to happen, take out your Anti-Twilight sword and decapitate them.
(3) Always carry Anti-Twitard spray around you. You can never be sure when one will spring out of nowhere(no doubt trying to act vampire-like) and attack.
(4) You can always use this threat:
"Move away slowly or I'll go straight to the Volturi and you'll be dead meat!" They are so gullible, they will believe you and, wanting to keep their Twitarded life, will obey and "vanish."
(5) Make sure you have your Twitard Radar. Twitards are everywhere, even in disguises.
(6) If a Twitard is approaching you and their mouth starts to foam, point off in another direction, opposite you, and shout: "Hey look! A SILVER VOLVO!" That Twitard will blank out and dart in the direction you pointed, still going in that direction when they don't see the silver volvo, in the hopes that it will magically appear.
(7) If they ever pin you down and are about to read, take out your handy-dandy Anti-Twilight Lighter and Gasoline packet. While they begin that first horrid sentence, plug your ears up while discreetly pouring the gasoline on the book. Now when the Anti-Twilight gasoline touches the pages, it should sizzle and bubble up. The Twitard will jump off you and then you jump up and toss your lighter onto the book. It will light up in flames and once the book is destroyed, that Twitard will be free of the evil spell cast by Meyer. Although that Ex-Twitard will have to go to Therapy, you've done your job in saving another human. If you do this and the Twitard foams green, there's no saving him/her. You must immediately distract them with their weakness--The Caveman! So either you yell that Edward is nearby or take out a picture of him. The Twitard will be frozen, drooling a bit while staring at him or searching for Eddiekins. During this you must act quick. Walk away slowly and stand somewhere that is filled with lots of light. The Twitard will assume that they are either a vampire that "sparkles" or that Mr. Sparkle Caveman will be with them and since they would hate for their dear Edward to be exposed, they won't go after you.
Twitards are dangerous.
We need more Twitard Hunters.
If we don't increase in numbers, The Twitards will see fit to brainwash and Twitardturn everyone into one of them and soon will take over the world.
This is important.
Put an end to Twitards by going to your local Anti-Twilight Store and buying all the necessary items. And sign up for Twitard Hunters USA(TWUSA) today!
Heave this warning about Twitards and their ebil plot to take over the world. Cherish and keep it sacred of all the techniques of how to defeat and protect yourself.
Twitard Hunter 1: hey, dude, guess what?
Twitard Hunter 2: what?
Twitard Hunter 1: Today I was walking past the park and this Twitard girl just jumped outta nowhere! So I simply said, "vampires don't sparkle" and she got all foamy and tried to scrape my nose out with a spork. She got close, too, man! I swear my life almost flashed before my eyes. So I tripped the fat bitch, lit her book on fire and now she's in the Clinic. They say she's traumatized.
Twitard Hunter 2: *shakes his head* Such a shame. I'd hate to become a Twitard and then un-Twitard and find out I was a Twitard.
Twitard Hunter 1: Yeah. Must be terrible.
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