What is John Nelson Hauber?
1.
A sex god. Nelson, which John goes by, is known all of over the world for his sexual endeavors with women, mainly Asian and Ukranian. Nelson was a professional hockey player for the Colorado Avalanche by age 10, until, after winning the NHL MVP and winning his third straight Stanley Cup, his career spiralled out of control due to Drugs and Alcohol. Nelson is said to have ingested more cocaine than anyone of all time, and also had significant Meth and Heroin problems. At age 13, he was sent to Betty Ford rehab center where he was treated not only for his drug and alcohol problems, but his sex addiction. He also was treated for suicidal thoughts, which he claimed to have started having after it was made public that he was fucking porn star Jesse Jane and former porn star Jenna Jameson behind his girlfriend Eva Mendes's back, who he was actually dating behind Carmen Electra's back, who it turned out he was fucking behind his girlfriend Pamela Anderson's back. He was released from Betty Ford at the age of 14, having had enough sex drugs and alcohol to last a lifetime. Nelson decided not to return to the NHL, and instead become a drummer for a rock n roll band called Fast Fuse. They released their debut self titled when Nelson was 15, and it sold 400 million copies, catapulting Nelson to a level of fame he had never dreamed of. After a successful 2 year tour, Nelson was so worn out he turned to the drugs and alcohol and sex to deal with his fame. He was admitted to Betty Ford again after acquiring herpes literally 57 times in 58 days. It took him 5 months to shake his sex and drug addiction, and was released when he was 16. He quickly completed the next Fast Fuse album, entitled I Really Like Sex, which sold 394 million copies, which Nelson treated as a failure compared to their debut. He slowly sunk into a heroin filled abyss. Tension was growing in the band about Nelson's addiction, which came to a head at the 2005 VMA's. After winning the award for greatest album of all time, Fast Fuse went up to accept their award. During the acceptance speech, Nelson proceeded to call Megan Fox a "total cunthole" from the stage and on the way back to his seat punched her square in the face. A fight broke out between Megan's people and Nelson's people, but ended when Nelson stabbed Zac Efron and R. Kelly with a steaknife, which everyone was happy about, but just acted sad. Nelson was thrown in Jail for 1 hour to think about what he did. However, being the restless heroin addict he was at the time, once again gave the finger to society when he broke out of prison after serving 58 minutes. Nelson proceeded to steal a polcie car, and drove to South America. Somehow. There, he became the head of the Colombian drug trade. He became the richest man in the world between his NHL money, his rock star money, and Colombian drug money. However, profits dropped when Nelson used more drugs than he was shipping out, and was forced to flee South America. He stole a plane, flew to LA to kidnap angelina jolie, and they flew to South Africa where Nelson cured all Aids by having sex with every single person that had it. He and Angelina soon feel in love, and had 4 kids there. But by age 17, Nelson decided to return to his homeland. He bought the entire state of Wisconsin, cause no one likes it anyways, and made it into one state of casinos, flashing lights, brothels, theatre, and drugs. He became best friends with Jack Nicholson, and they broke a Guiness world record when they got really high on coke and didn't sleep for 4 and a half weeks straight. Nelson crashed first after being awake for 654 hours and 36 minutes, with Jack dozing off close behind at 39 minutes. Soon, nelson realized he was losing money and his woman to drugs, and was forced to go to rehab in Southern California. after 7 and a half months, Nelson swore off drugs and vowed to turn to politics and religion. he was 18 and a half. He tried to run for senator of california, but was banned from politics for life when debating abortion with Hillary Clinton at a democratic rally. After a disagreement, Nelson called her a "cunthole" and porceeded to say she was only goods for "giving me a blow job." she obliged and gave him dome right there on the stage. This triggered his sex addiction, and Nelson proceeded to have sex 20 million times in the psna of 4 days. It was the first time someones body literally could not produce anymore semen. Nelson percieved this as a good thing, for he didnt need to use protection or worry about pulling out, and he didnt need to pay for a vasectomy, which wouldnt really have been a problem because he had more money than the country of America. Nelson quit his sex addiction cold turkey on his 20th birthday. His next adventure was to hire 1500 serial killers simultaneously and off every person he didnt like. This included John Mayer, President Obama, Brad Pitt, Marilyn Manson, Nick Jonas, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jackson (woops...), the lead singer of Nickelback, every member of New Kids on the Block, the Red power ranger, Michael Moore, Dakota Fanning, Gwen Stefani, Terell Owens, Roger Clemens, Madonna, Chris Daughtry, and the guy that played Ron Weasley. But its ok, because soon his body began to produce man juice again, and he soon had 1500 more kids. by age 22, he was so bored he decided to challenge a newly sober Mike Tyson to a boxing match. After getting his ass kicked for 30 minutes straight, Nelson got fed up and pulled a "Double Twist Kickback Leg Spin" which involves spinning around twice, pulling out a .44, shooting your opponent in the nipples, and then having celebratory sex with them while they moan in agony. when you're finished, you drive them to the zoo when theyre inches away from death and drop them in the polar bear tank, where they will either die from blood loss, drowning, or just being eaten. After this, Nelson made his triumphant return to the NHL. He could afford the greatest athletic trainer in the world, and came back at age 23 weighing 650 pouns, which was 99.7% muscle. He accidentally killed every single person he checked, and often cracked the ice when he skated. he had a record slap shot, which was documented at 783 mph. it killed 7 people. He was forced to leave the league, and so he returned to his Miami 700 million dolalr house and bought Katy Perry as a personal slave. Police revieced a 911 call at 3:34 AM on August 18th from Katy, and when polcie arrived, Nelson was passed out on the living room floor surrounded in blood. It was later discovered Katy had been on her period, and Nelson ingested so much of her blood it killed him. But not for long. He came back from the grave August 20th, and not only murdered Katy Perry, but set 73 orphaneges on fire, 23 human societies, stole charity money, and had sex with Heather Locklear over 40 times. He then moved to Sotuh Africa and changed his identity. He now goes by Adam Lambert. He's 24 years old. If you see him, please kill him. He's a raging drug addict rapist who murders children. thank you.
"I heard John Nelson Hauber had sex with Ronald Reagen."
"Probably".
"Crazy."
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