What is Parkersburg?
1.
A city in WV that is located on the Ohio river. There is nothing to do except drink or cruise backroads. There are two major public schools there that have good sports programs. The cops are real assholes and will fuck with you. Overall, there is nothing in this city and should not be visited.
Man we just won another state championship so lets go get drunk and cruise jesterville road. I hope we dont see any Parkersburg police cause they are dick lickers.
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2.
A small urban city in west central West Virginia, adjacent to the Ohio River. Historically significant for its abundance of 12 Step programs, overidentification with Neanderthalic sports activities, and large gay and lesbian communities, Parkersburg takes pride in being recognized as the enflamed, smegma-encrusted foreskin of Appalachia.
While traveling down I-77 I always try to stop in Parkersburg for my feminine hygiene products.
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3.
Lame town in West Virginia. There is absolutely nothing here but old people and hills. Although it is considered 'urban' it lacks many qualities of urban civilization, such as Target stores. If you are considering moving here and are under the age of forty/have kids, please find the nearest brick and bash your head with it repeatedly and reconsider.
Person 1: Hey man, it's Saturday! We should go out.
Person 2: Go out WHERE?
Person 1: Damn, I forgot. We're in Parkersburg. Nevermind, then.
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4.
A small shit hole in southern Illinois. There is nothing there but crackheads and crack babies. This is the place where the young kids go to drink and get away with it.
"Hey man, let's go drink at Finney's. We never get caught in Parkersburg!"
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5.
The capital of all football.
A small town of 2000 people in northeast Iowa where football was invented. The high school, Aplington-Parkersburg High School, has produced 4 NFL players. It's a school of less than 300 students.
The four players are:
Casey Wiegmann - Kansas City Chiefs
Jared Devries - Detroit Lions
Brad Meester - Jacksonville Jaguars
Aaron Kampman - Green Bay Packers
Parkersburg is extremely boring with the exception of Friday nights in the fall.
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