What is Stroudsburg High School?
1.
The self-proclaimed "Pride of the Poconos," Stroudsburg High School is famous for many things, including its lunchroom staff, who currently collectively hold the world record for fitting the largest sticks possible up their asses, its splendid security staff, whose captain won this year's Greased Pig Contest (although he soon realized it wasn't a pig, it was actually one of the other security officers), its highly nutritional and incredibly delicious lunches, consisting mostly of greasy, overcooked pizzas and calzones, and half-heartedly assembled hoagies (although, by the way the ham tastes, it would appear that they used the pig from that contest listed above to make them), its nursing staff's incredible ability to cure any illness or injury with ice (not their fault, they're not allowed to give out anything else), and most importantly of all, its incredible climate control, enabling the history hallway to be a sauna, while the science wing can be magically transformed into wetlands overnight. Oh, and did I forget to mention the new classrooms? Yes, they brought them in on the back of a few flat-bed trucks, and now they sit in the parking lots, taking up valuable parking space that the school board is always griping about not having. ...They're also the only rooms in the school that have air conditioning. Doesn't this all make you wish you went here?
We love Stroudsburg High School...
Lunch Monitor: "Show me your pass."
Innocent Student: "I show you a pass every day. Can't you trust that I have one?"
Lunch Monitor: "Show me your pass."
Innocent Student: "You saw it yesterday, it was filled out for the entire week."
Lunch Monitor: "Show me your pass."
Innocent Student: "I have showed you a pass every single day since the beginning of the school year. It is now March. Don't you trust I have it?"
Lunch Monitor: "Show me your pass, or sit back down and shut up."
Security Officer: "Yep. I've been workin' this here job for goin' on fifteen years. I've seen it all."
Student: *Takes bite of hamburger* *CLINK!*
Student: "Oh, God, I'm vomiting blood! I can't control it, it - it's everywhere! Oh my God, do something - is that a lung?! Is that a lung?!?!?! THAT'S A LUNG!!! HELP ME!!!"
Nurse: "Well, I really wish I could do more, but would you like some ice?"
Student: "For the love of God, call an ambulance!!! Please, just -" *glurgglurgleglurg...*
Nurse: "You know, I better make this a double pack."
Student: *Opens locker in science hallway, finds strange tropical fungus growing on english book* "What the..."
Principal: "What's going on in the history wing? I haven't heard anything from them up there in weeks."
Teacher: *Goes to investigate* "What on earth?... Oh, dear God, they've all fried to death, how could this have - oh, no, the sun's coming out!!! Run, children, run, before it's too latearghgaslfjakslf..."
Principal: "Where are Modulars 1 and 2?!"
Teacher: "Um... They're... Kind of... in the creek."
Principal: "...WHAT?!"
Teacher: "Well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to get separate classrooms that people can tow away as a senior prank..."
2.
UPDATE: OCTOBER 2008
The last this writer saw of the school, pandemonium reigned supreme over any attempts at control that may or may not have been attempted by the faculty and staff.
Two lockdowns in two years in response to terrorist threats of squirrel hunting have provoked a new, pseudo-uniform dress code in an attempt to get the kids to settle down and focus on learning. The kids, being kids, found this to be a travesty on par with slavery and the Holocaust, and retaliated with sullen replies of "this sucks" and "I don't wanna wear no stupid-a** uniforms." The administration responded by cracking down on the dress code. They let everyone know that "slate" is not an acceptable color for pants, ONLY BLACK!!! Also, they were kind enough to simplify people's lives by making sure they only had to wear shoes with one color! Anyone who dares to wear shoes with different color shoelaces, or a different color sole than the rest of the shoe will be punished like the commies they are!!!
Don't worry, the culprits of these acts were properly sentenced - I mean, reprimanded.
Additionally, the existence of a padded room in one of the middle schools was recently revealed. One can only imagine what must be going on in there to warrant a padded room for 9 year olds.
This reporter regrets to inform you they are no longer able to be on the front lines, having matriculated, but contacts on the inside are getting news out. Don't worry, Stroudsburgians! There's hope.
There's always hope.
Stroudsburg High School: This place blows.
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