What is Telfland?
1.
Telfland! (known by non Telfs as Telford Town Park.). A normal recreational area by day, dickhead central by night. Telfland is the Mecca for all Telfs, each paying homage most Friday nights for the weekly piss up (where many Telford girls will be impregnated in the sandpit ‘nice’). This involves a 3 litre bottle of cheap cider being passed around amongst a group of ‘talented’ (can spit up to 10m away at innocent passers by) individuals. This fine alcoholic beverage allows for the Telf to lose all inhibitions (i.e. self respect and human decency, not that they had any before) and become aggressive feeling the need to start on random people. This ritual of cheap alcohol and of course ‘fags’ enlightens the sad pathetic little life of the Telf and is looked forward to with great enthusiasm in the week leading up to its arrival, ‘coming up Telfland Friday mate?’. Well lets face it’s surely more stimulating than sitting on a wall outside the local shops terrorising customers into purchasing ‘booze’ for them, after school, that is if the Telf has decided that he or she will grace school life with their presence because lets not forget the Telf is a highly intelligent breed and does not require education. Appropriate greeting upon entering Telfland requires spiting near the other Telf but making sure as not to splash their cheap imitation Rockports (Rockfords) which will disintegrate, and of course the clashing of knuckles while reciting ‘Safe!!!’. Suitable dress code if attending a Telfland function is the standard ‘gear’ (see Telford girl for excellent description).
‘Lets go up Telfland man! Do a bit of graffiti ‘innit’? Maybe break some shit'...
